WHAT A STUPID MAN!!!

A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he asks. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You bastard!!!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?"

WHAT A STUPID MAN!!! 

We all look but see differently, may our spiritual eyes never go blind.

POLICE DEY READ BIBLE OOOO!

On Lagos-Ibadan express road when a Pastor met a team of policemen who, quite naturally, wanted 'something' from him. Since he was not prepared to play their games, they asked for his papers and having combed through everything without any offence with which to nail the 'stubborn' pastor, they now asked him to open the bonnet of his car. A careful scrutiny of the engine number against what was on paper revealed that letter U was written in such a way that it could be mistaken for letter V. That was all the officer-in-charge needed to shout "stolen vehicle!" Sensing trouble, even when he knew he committed no offence, the pastor called the OC to say he was a priest to which the officer replied :"Please, leave that pastor thing...in any case, if you are indeed a pastor, then you must have a Bible in your car, bring it." The Pastor did as was commanded after which the officer now ordered:
"Please read Matthew 5:25, 26 to me". 
The incredulous Pastor opened to the recommended passage and read:
"Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over to a judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. I tell you the truth; you will not get out until you have paid the last penny."
The man of God quietly made an "offering" of "just" one N100 to his newly found "preacher".
End of service! Go in peace and argue no more, said the OC.

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Mallam Sule bought a new bullet proof jeep for N75M so  he went to warri and while there he was attacked by armed robbers who rained bullets on his car.

To Sule's amazement the car resisted all. So he started mouthing words at the bandits. One of them gestured that he could not hear him so he wound down his window and shouted, 'shege danbura uba,  barawon banza, you waka'

...He has since been buried according to Muslim rites

WOMEN !!!

Jim, Tom and Eric die and arrive at the gate of saint Paul: Saint Paul then explains to them, 'Heaven is a very big place and you need a car to get around'.
The car you get depends solely on how faithful you were to your spouse while you alive.
Jim was married for 15 years and cheated on his wife 3 times so he got a Citi Golf.
Tom was married 20 years and cheated on his wife once so he got a Toyota Corolla.
Eric was married 50 years and never cheated on his wife so he got a BMW.
Jim and Tom were very envious of Eric.
A couple of months later Jim and Tom see Eric sitting on the pavement crying.....
Tom asks: 'Whats wrong buddy?
Eric replies: 'I just saw my wife!!!
Jim asks:'So? Why are you crying?'
*
*
*
*
Eric says:'She was on a bicycle!'

.................................................................................................................................

The daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out: " Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call?  You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mom through??!!"
he girl, crying: "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT? Out of here, you shameless harlot, sinner, you're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"  
"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this fur coat
and title to a mansion, a savings account certificate of $5 million
for  my little brother, and for you, Daddy, this gold Rolex, the
spanking
new  BMW that's parked outside and a lifetime membership to the Country
Club...  an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and ...

"Now what was it you said you had become?"
!
Girl, crying again: Sniff, sniff "A prostitute Dad!"... Sniff, sniff
..

"Oh! Gee - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought yo

u said "a
Protestant". 
"Come here and give your old man a hug!"

THE BEST MAN JOKE BOOK

FINAL CONCERN

An Igbo man on his dying bed surrounded by his family

mutters his last words to his wife.

Nne where is Chukwudi? In tears she replies, 'he is here'.

He goes on, where is Chukwuemeka

He is here she replies...

Adaobi nkor ..she is here

Chekube?

He is here she answers.

 In serious pain he asked again; what of Chikodi?

 He is also here ....

With his last breath he exclaims....

" SO WHO UNA COME LEAVE FOR SHOP NOW?.."

Read and laugh it off.

Liar:
A man is dying of Cancer.
His son asked him, "Dad, why do u keep telling people u're dying of AIDS?"
Answer: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch ur mom!"
Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant.
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when both are pregnant.
Chinese Adam & Eve:
If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in paradise
because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the SNAKE    

To surprise her husband an executive's wife decided to stop by his office. On entering the office, she saw the secretary on her husband's laps. In order to defend himself the husband said  "budget cut or no budget cut management must do something. I and my secretary cannot be sharing this office with just a single seat ,

 JOKES PEOPLE LOVE (This is the best collections of jokes and humours on the internet, grab your copy today and you will never remain the same)

L A U G H!

A teenage boy had  just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as  to when they could discuss his use of the car.  

His father said he'd  make a deal with his son:  'You bring your grades up from a C to  a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.  Then we'll talk about the car.'  
The boy thought about  that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed  on it.  
After about  six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up  and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm  disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You  know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my  studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist  had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even  strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
 
To this his father  replied, 'Did you also notice they walked everywhere they went?'

  'Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who just likes your smile'

 i

NAILS IN THE FENCE

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper.  His Father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.
The first daythe boy had driven 37 nails into the fence.  Over the next few weeks, as  he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down.  He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.  Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all.
He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.
The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.
The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence.  He said, 'You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence.  The fence will
never be the same.  When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one.  You can put a knife in a man and draw it out.  But It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound will still be there.  A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.
Remember that friends are very rare jewels indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed; They lend an ear, they share words of praise and they always want to open their hearts to us.

A MUST READ!!

While a man was polishing his new car, his 4 yr old son picked up stone
and
scratched lines on the side of the car. In anger, the man took the
child's hand and hit it many times; not realizing he was using a
wrench.
At the hospital, the child lost all his fingers due to multiple fractures.
When the child saw his father.....with painful eyes he asked, 'Dad when
will my fingers grow back?' The man was so hurt and speechless; he went
back to his car and kicked it a lot of times.
Devastated by his own actions......sitting in front of that car he looked
at the
scratches; the child had written 'LOVE YOU DAD'.
The next day that man committed suicide. . .

Anger and Love have no limits; choose the latter to have a beautiful, lovely
life..... Things are to be used and people are to be loved,
But the problem in today's world is that, People are used and things are
loved... During this year, let's be careful to keep this thought in
mind: Things are to be used, but People are to be loved ... Be
yourself....This is the only day we HAVE. Have a nice day

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits they become character;
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

I'm glad a friend forwarded this to me as a reminder.
God bless you; I hope you are having a wonderful day!

If you don't pass this on to anybody, nothing bad will
happen;
if you do, you will have ministered to someone.
The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace
of God
will not PROTECT you...  
Stay FAITHFUL and Be GRATEFUL

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KNOWING WHERE TO TAP
Have you ever heard the story of the giant ship engine that failed? The ship's owners tried one expert after another, but none of them could figure out how to fix the engine. Then they brought in an old man who had been fixing ships since he was a youngster. He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he arrived, he immediately went to work. He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom.
Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this man, hoping he would know what to do. After looking things over, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life. He carefully put his hammer away. The engine was fixed! A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man for ten thousand dollars.
"What?!" the owners exclaimed. "He hardly did anything!"
So they wrote the old man a note saying, "Please send us an itemized bill."
The man sent a bill that read:
Tapping with a hammer…………….……………. $ 2.00
Knowing where to tap ............. ......... ....... $ 9,998.00
GRAND TOTAL ........ ............................. ...$10,000. 00

"Effort is important, but knowing where to make an effort in your life makes all the difference".
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The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists...
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out
with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

BAKED BEANS - THIS IS HILARIOUS!

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.  When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work.  Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.  On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.   All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: 'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.' He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.  He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill .  I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I let off three more.  The smell was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.  The pleasure was indescribable.  When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom,  I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.  He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!' I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SICK AND TIRED OF WORK

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen!"

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P...M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:

"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night!!!"

What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?

An American lawyer and a Nigerian are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer believes that Nigerians are so dumb that he could put something over on them easily...So the lawyer asks if the Nigerian would like to play a fun game.

The Nigerian is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The American lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the Nigerian's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Nigerian doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Nigerian's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Nigerian and hands him $500. The Nigerian pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Nigerian up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The Nigerian reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep. 
Joint Account 
A Rasta man goes to the bank with a 25 kg bag of marijuana and hands it
over to the cashier...shocked, the cashier asks.."Whats this for?"...the
Rasta man replies..."Me here to open a joint account"...

The Smuggler
Joseph comes up to the Cotonou border on his bicycle. He's got two large
bags over his shoulders.

The Customs official stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Garri," answered Joseph.

The Customs official says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike."
The Customs official takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them
out and finds nothing in them but garri.

He detains Joseph overnight and has the garri analyzed, only to discover
that there is nothing but pure garri in the bags.

The Customs official releases Joseph, puts the garri into new bags,
hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The Customs Official asks, "What
have you got?"

"garri," says Joseph.

The Customs official does his thorough examination and discovers that
the bags contain nothing but garri. He gives the garri back to Joseph,
and Joseph crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years.
Finally, Joseph doesn't show up one day and the Customs official meets
him in a beer parlour in Cotonou.

"Hey, my friend," says the Customs official, "I know you are smuggling
something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about.....
I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Joseph sips his beer and says, "Bicycles." 

The innocents
One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down

Main Street

when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

'Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?'

'Tammie give it to me,' Bubba replied.

'She give it to ya?

I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?'

'Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.
We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres.
Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,

'Bubba, take whatever you want.'

So I took the truck! '

'Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!'

Arrested for laughing

This is from an actual trial in the UK : A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.

When She Noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on Account of her condition.

She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.

She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing.... .......... ......She had him arrested.

Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.

His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant..

She sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'.

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'.

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'

The case was dismissed... ......!!!!!!!!

How to make a living as an Artist