LAUGH! LAUGH!! LAUGH!!!
There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
How I learned to mind my own business:
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.' The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.....
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick! Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Husband comes from church; greets his wife and lifts her up. He carries her around the house. The wife is so surprised and asks "did the pastor preach about being romantic"? The husband said "no, he said we must carry our burdens and sorrows.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------One day, a Chef came face to face with death. Out of fear He asked "what do you want from me?"
Mr. Death answered "I am on my rounds and your name is at 5 on my hit list of 100! The Chef cried "please don't kill me, I still have so many unfinished contracts, my parent is still alive, my two kids are still in the college and they will miss me! I swear I will cook the best ever meal for you!!!"
Mr. Death agrees and the Chef got down to business. He cooked, he baked and he spiced while death waited taking in the aroma until all was ready and he ate to his fun and fill before eventually falling asleep. While he was asleep, the Chef quietly crept up to him, peeped into the list and actually saw his name at no. 5!
He then cancelled his name from no .5 and put it at no. 100 just before Mr. Death woke up! Mr. death then said "Mr. man, you have really made me satisfied and so, I will start my rounds from number 100!
The Chef just fell down and died!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two little boys playing in a park find a condom. They take it to show their mum. She gets really angry telling them it's dirty and not to touch things they find. One boy says to other one, mum was really angry about that balloon. Yeah says the other on......e, we'd better not tell her we ate the yoghurt out of it!
George and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pools, George suddenly jumped into the deep end. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled George out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her mentally stable. When he went to tell her the news, he said. 'Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses'.
However, the bad news is that the patient you saved - George, hung himself in the bathroom with the belt of his robe. I am sorry, but he's dead'
Mary replied,' He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but! Did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
